LETTERS OF THE LAW FOR DUBYA

LETTERS OF THE LAW FOR DUBYA By CINDY ADAMS January 7, 2007 -- I KNOW why the president wants to read our mail. So the government can sniff out terrorism? No. That's the cover story. It's actually so the Bushes can have something to do when they're out of office. I mean, what's Dubya to do when he's unemployed? Watch Laura fold bananas into the Jell-O? Teach Barney to salute? Make Condoleezza hum "Hail to the Chief"? Take English lessons? This poor man is going to spend the rest of his days in Crawford, Texas. Where they make a girl take her sweater off to learn to count to 2. What's he going to do with himself? Pal with who? Rumsfeld? Cheney will invite him to go shooting, and then what? He'll pore over fashion magazines with Harriet Miers? Play "Where's Osama" with Waldo? Or "Pin the Tail on Al Gore"? Come 2008, instead of opening his mouth, he'll open mail. So what if it isn't addressed to him! Not likely he'll have crates of it when he's out anyway. Greetings from the Dixie Chicks he ain't going to get. The National Guard won't be writing to ask to honor him. Pen pals with Sharpton, Streisand, Garofalo, Jack Abramoff? I don't think so. On a quiet night surrounded by nothing but cow flop and binoculars to make sure fellow Texan Dan Rather isn't around, he'll possibly want to read shy, withdrawn, introverted Donald's deep and heretofore unmentioned thoughts about Rosie. Or what Colin Powell reallyreally thinks. Or his brother Jeb's semihonest opinion about anything. Maybe the then-former president will simply nestle into his own library shelves of Charles Dickens, William Shakespeare, Beatrix Potter and read Michael Moore in the original crayon. Or Bill Maher, Jon Stewart, Judith Miller, Frank Rich, Bob Woodward, James Baker, Charlie Rangel. Maybe the Secret Service will let him just open the leftover mail that came to the White House - marked "Occupant." Could it be - although it seems a little excessive to schlep the whole country into this - that this mail-opening shtick has been just a father's way of getting to steam open the private thinking of his daughters? The thought has come that all those immigrants who came here to escape communism are suddenly feeling at home. Russia is opening up, and we're closing up. Our differences used to be we all talked, but nobody cared - and they all cared, but nobody talked. The times they are a-changin'. America's next generation is going to need loose-leaf history books. In the old U.S.S.R., when once you mentioned anything, you got interviewed by the KGB. In the new U.S.A., when you now mention anything, you'll be interviewed by the postmaster. Letter writers will have a new game - hide and stay hidden. In days of old, Pravda's letters to the editor included the writer's name, address and next of kin. Hey, that's happening here. Phones are tapped, mail is opened, e-mails follow us, cameras watch us, swipe-cards report us, the Patriot Act lists everything but your nasal spray. Soon we'll be able to go anywhere Washington pleases. Reminds me of when someone once asked if anyone objected to the Soviet premier's ways, and the premier answered, "Absolutely. Enough to fill three labor camps." Of course, there are those who support the edict of opening our mail. So, maybe it's just that privacy is out of fashion. Paris and Britney flash their varying parts to paparazzi. Janet Jackson and Tara Reid flash their other parts. Brad's butt has been immortalized. Stanley Tucci's front showed on Broadway. Everybody's doing it in closeups. OK, OK, so if the man in the Oval Office really wants to read what people write, here's some of what I've gotten. A fellow named Orley Hood, who's seen me "on one of those channels for mindless people who think Princess Diana and Britney Spears are important people," then called me "one of those over-hairsprayed, overdressed, overweening women who thinks because she has Demi Moore's phone number she's important." (Note to the CIA or FBI or President Bush if he's reading this: I do not have Demi's phone number.) He also says he saw my "apartment in Architectural Digest a year or so ago. It looked like a Hollywood movie set of a brothel." Another from Tennessee complained of my following sentence, "They're saying that it's her who . . ." adding, "You need better grammar. That should be stated, 'They're saying that it's she who . . .' And we will ignore your other boo-boos." And then there are anonymous ones that begin, "Dear Stupid . . ." I'd be glad to forward those on to whichever agency is officially designated for my mail. Listen, anything that will help in the fight against terrorism. Especially if it's directed toward me personally.